I am overwhelmed by my own happiness, in a current state that is so foreign to me, that it nearly brings me to tears on a daily basis.

My dad once told me he never started worrying about money until he had some.  And I thought that was such an odd paradox, or contradiction, or whatever the hell it is.  You know what I’m trying to say.  The absence of money alleviated my dad’s worry of it leaving him.  But, ironically, the minute he came into some, he started to be paranoid that everyone was going to take it, or someone was going to try and screw him out of it.

I’m becoming so happy, so filled with joy, that I am feeling similarly to how my dad did.  I feel rich because of the people in my life, whom have gone under-appreciated for quite some time.  I feel uncontrollably happy that I’m going to be an uncle within a few hours, and the idea of holding that little someone humbles every bone in my body.  My role as a person and as a family member is changing before my eyes, making me feel both smaller and bigger simultaneously.  I finally feel appreciated and special in a relationship, to the point where a seemingly unimportant, unnoticeable slow dance at a wedding moves me to tears.

In a world of 7 billion people (Is it 8 billion yet?), I’m beginning to feel like less of an speck of dust, and like more of a link in an interdependent, complex web.  I’m starting to feel more connected and more motivated to hold up my portion of the web.

But ironically, I feel somewhat of a weight with that web–fear.  Just like my dad, I feel fear that something or someone–or maybe just life’s happenings–will rob me of that happiness.  It feels unreal to have happiness.  Because once we add something, something that makes us happy, no matter how new it is, we are unable to imagine our lives without it.  And the thought of it, the fear of that loss is startling, very startling.

I’m going to try and hold onto this happiness, because it something to be cherished and recognized. And I’m going to remember that I always have something to be happy about.

You said, “Remember that life is
Not meant to be wasted.
We can always be chasing the sun.
So fill up your lungs and just run
We’ll always be chasing the sun.”
All we can do is try,
And live like we’re still alive.

– “Chasing the Sun,” Sara Bareilles

2 thoughts

Leave a Reply