I’ve been purposefully absent from blogging recently. I’ve felt a bit overwhelmed; between starting the school year and working my way through what I hope to be a soon-ending existential crisis, my thoughts have been, to say the least, time-consuming, and to say the most, sometimes paralyzing.

I am stuck on this idea of a finite existence, that all we are heading towards insurmountable and irrevocable chaos–that the sum of the energies that we have assimilated and disseminated will, at some point, become too much for our bodies to handle, and that we will cease to exist.  This not only applies to my own existence, but to the existence of the world as we know it.  In fact, the recent news about the severity of the Fukushima disaster, has focused this idea even more acutely.  It seems that humans have tried to harness too much “energy,” meant both literally and symbolically, and that we are only propelling our planet into further disorder and inevitable destruction.

Or maybe we’re not killing the planet, maybe we’re just killing ourselves. I suppose, with time, the planet will renew itself.  But it will most certainly not renew us.

I think the reason for any crisis has to do with purpose.  We will all meet our inevitable end whether it is by sudden catastrophe, a cataclysmic world event, cancer, disease, or simply old age.  There currently seems to be a disconnect within myself that this will, in fact, happen.  Perhaps it is difficult for anyone to comprehend that actual moment where death is realized, because, well, all those that have experienced it are unable to tell the story of death.  No one knows if those who have passed truly feel if they have fulfilled their purpose, and if that sense of purpose fulfilled has any effect on the acceptance of that moment.

I don’t think I have fully accepted the finite nature of our existence, mostly because I do not feel settled.  I am not always present; I am not always living within the moment.  I am thinking of that future moment, when I have to evaluate my purpose.

I need to appreciate more.  I need to be present more with myself and with others.  I need to be more positive and optimistic, because there is no other outcome than what I have mentioned previously, meaning I would be nothing more than remiss to have wasted this valuable time.

I will not be wiser for worrying.

Throughout the month of July, I embarked upon 30 Things I’m Scared to Say.  It was a great way for me to discover and admit some things that I had been afraid of.  Now, I’m going to try 30 Days of Appreciation, in an effort to be more present, more gratuitous, and more accepting of the ephemeral nature of these finite moments in my life.

Tomorrow will be Day 1. Looking forward to sharing each of them with you.

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