I look back at the last few months, and I am happy to see a new version of me forming–one that would not be possible without this rather transformative portion of my life, no matter how messy and confusing it was.
I was so right about looking back at my “30 Things I’m Scared to Say” posts. On many of them, I look back while rolling my eyes, but simultaneously I’m so glad I put those thirty things out there. I feel like I released them in a way, but now, looking back at that month more holistically, I can see that I was living in a world of fear, which I slowly feel like I am coming out of.
I’ve noticed, recently, that I’ve begun to walk more slowly, which I believe to be an outward manifestation of ever increasing inner calmness. I’ve noticed that I am more present, happier, and less afraid. But I think I can now better explain why I was so afraid during the “30 Things I’m Scared to Say” period. In fact, I think we all, in a way, have gone through a phase similar to this, whether we chose to post it on the Internet or not.
You see, when we are afraid, and when we let those fears take hold of us, we are doing so in an effort to protect ourselves. We let ourselves be afraid, because in our minds, it is easier than being hurt. It’s easy to let in pessimism, and hard to embrace optimism, because pessimism keeps us prepared, or at least we think so. We think that, if we remain pessimistic, we are keeping our guard up, we are protecting ourselves from surprise, and we are making it so that we always know what to expect. What we don’t realize is that when we are expecting hurt, we only see hurt.
And then, when we see that negativity, we get just what we wanted. We get to say that we were “right”–that we knew it all along. And just like any other Type A, I love to be “right.”
I was “right” that I couldn’t trust that person, because I only looked for times of mistrust. I was “right” that my friend would let me down, because I wasn’t paying any attention to the ten other times that she followed through. I was “right;” I knew I would fail because I only thought about the last time that I wasn’t successful and forgot to give attention to the last handful of times I was.
What I didn’t realize, until recently, is that I can be “right” as an optimist, as well. By exuding trust, I will only prove myself “right” in the long run that I can trust. By counting on others to follow through, I will begin to focus, more so, on the times that they did, as opposed to the times they did not. And by giving myself credit for my successes, as opposed to taking away from myself for my failures, I will begin to see myself as a more successful person, deserving of whatever comes my way.
I think I like being “right” even more than I did before.