It’s been almost a year since I wrote the song that I’m sharing today.  I wrote it as I felt myself falling in love, and I found myself utterly afraid of the feelings.  I remembered my first tumultuous relationship and how much it hurt to have to end it.  It caused me to pause, constantly evaluate, and relentlessly second-guess myself and my partner at the time.  In the end, it did me no good, because the new relationship ended anyway.  What’s more, I found that I didn’t enjoy most of it, because I was constantly anticipating what “could” happen the entire time.

It seemed timely to record this on the last day I lived in this shoebox of an apartment, one that changed from a confining and constricting cage, to a cozy and warm cocoon where I really learned who I was.  As I sing the words now, they’ve taken on different meaning.

We’re all afraid of getting hurt, but it’s inevitable.  In some cases, it is fear itself that is more debilitating than the actual events that ensue after we’re hurt.  Ironically, it seems that it is the fear itself that leads us to the greatest hurt.  Why is this?  It is because all the while, while we are bracing ourselves for the pain–while we’re fearing it–we’re proactively feeling this imagined and potential pain that hasn’t quite come to us yet.  In essence, our fear stretches our pain out even longer than it needs to be stretched, doing the exact opposite of what it’s meant to do.  It doesn’t protect us; it limits us.

This entire experience, though, hasn’t happened in vain.  I anticipated the hurt, I felt it, I leaned into it, and I made it through.  I learned that I am enough, and that I be okay, no matter what happens.  Pretty powerful.

“Mahogany Eyes”

Scars of old leave phantom pain;
Mistrust laments a dismal fate.
It brings me no ease, this uncertainty;
My vigilance won’t protect me.

As fear sets in, I can’t win,
But when I look into your eyes–mahogany eyes–
I feel relief.
And if I look too long, I know
I’ll start to need.

My heart’s a slave to my mind;
It’s fearless protector won’t relinquish its fight–
Aimlessly pleading my heart to heal,
Locked up inside, captive to fear.

As fear sets in, I can’t win,
‘Cause when I look at you, I fear how much I give,
What you can do.
So I look through you, away,
So I won’t need you.

I’m hanging on the edge, looking down.
If I let go, will you catch me now?

I’m afraid to fall.

But when I look into your eyes–mahogany eyes–
I’m paralyzed.
So I look longer for the truth, ’cause I want to need…
you.

And so I look into your eyes,
Mahogany eyes.

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